Freedom

Grace. I don’t deserve it. This covid pandemic has somewhat hardened my heart. It has shown my worst. And I believe that this is what really is inside me which haven’t surfaced until now. My flaws were magnified and it has sounded an alarm that I need to work on myself. That because of the too many work that needs attention, I had set myself aside. Whil reading a book on emotionally healthy spirituality, it has shown me that I am no superwoman. That I cannot change the world. That I can only do so much. And God is after my being with Him more than doing things for Him. So that is what I am planning to do as this year closes. But before that, I would love to go back to what happened last July why I started this blog with one word.

Birthdays have never been a big deal for me. I enjoy having my birthday with no one knowing about it except my family. Maybe because I didn’t want to expect. I grew up loving my birthdays because of my family. But, there came a point in our life where we struggled financially that is why I do not want celebrating my birthday because I do not want my mom thinking about the expenses of my party. That is why growing up, it was a normal day for me. Even today, I even hide my birthdays on all my socials. That is why I don’t throw surprises to my loved ones as well. And this covid-19 made me not expect even more that my birthday would be a blast because I thought to myself, how can I celebrate when everyone else are fearful, people are dying, the government is on whack. But, God has blessed me with these people who took time to greet online. And I truly wanted to post this last July buuuuuuuut work piled up. 

The zoom-prise truly surprised me kasi akala ko talaga may meeting kami ng Elevate NU hayst. Pinagtrabaho pa ako sa birthday ko. These people whom God has blessed me, I truly do not deserve. These are people whom I would laugh with and even fight with pero that’s life e. I am learning that we are all flawed but since God has made us in His image, we ought to respect and look at them as God sees them. That even though God wired us differently, we ought to understand and extend grace to each other. Not to change them but to change me and glorify my Heavenly Father in being Christlike. That legalism has no place in Christ. But grace abounds all the more. 

I’ve always wanted to be with my family 24/7 but since I went to school until I worked, I haven’t spent much time at home and I am sure you too. But this lockdown has shown me the reality of imperfection and uniqueness. I have learned that I should not put premium on changing others but leaving room for people to be themselves and loving them. That is where unconditional love comes in— when you don’t feel like it. But, I still snap. And just say sorry to them. Being authentic and depending on the Lord day by day, moment by moment.

This lockdown has helped me connect with my cousins whom I am not able to talk to but once a year during our family reunion. Paano ba naman kami magiging close nun, diba? I have seen how much time I would dedicate to others but not with my extended family. And so, I messaged three of my cousins. I always look forward to our Friday night kwentos and prayer time until they suggested for us to study the bible together and get to know Christ better. 

That is why I also thought of surprising my mom on her birthday by calling her siblings for a vidchat. She was so surprised and same way. They just talk whenever there are problems but not in the usual days. This pandemic has brought them together and so we thank God for this opportunity.

Lastly, these tiles. This is not the typical scenario in this public hospital, ophthalmology department. My aunt got her eye surgery and while she was inside the operating room, I saw a mom crying because they didn’t have enough money for the surgery of her son’s eye that was damaged due to an accident. I talked to her and gave some money to be of help. That truly broke my heart. I lost hope for this country knowing how corruption is so prevalent. I lost hope for the world seeing deaths here and there. And it has shown me how I should not get my security from this world but on God alone. Because Jesus has overcame. And I thank Him because through Him, our eternal destiny is secured in Heaven with Him. That His presence is more than enough. 

As I was cleaning my phone notes, I saw this draft last year on my birthday. And I thought of sharing it. That the best thing in life is Jesus Christ.