Private

I ran a 5-kilometer last Monday which I even dragged myself into. It was the first time that I ran after two weeks even though I was going to the gym for weights. I can't feel my thighs and arms after that 40-minute run.

This week has been tough for me.

Not just that run. 

My phone would beep that it was time for me to fly. And it reminds me again of the pain. I would hear some things about him and the pain would come back. How did I have the joy that no one can steal as before?

Pain, disappointments, hurts from people, taken advantage of, and you just wanted to honor God but you had to go through these things. 

Maybe it was all my consequences. 

Definitely.

You see, I have always seen God as a Gracious Heavenly Father but I associate holiness to Him only a little. I have always been that girl who doesn't want the reprimand of my mom more so from my God. But, I think of His holiness as not a big deal. 

I would try to go around the rules. I hate people who are strict, that is why I dread having strict teachers and professors. 

But since I got to know the Lord, His grace amazed me. To the point that I myself does not punish people. I don't want to confront. And I do not want hurting someone's feelings by my constructive criticism.

I am not growing spiritually because I am like that to myself. I would sleep late and wake up late. And the Lord time and time again would remind me in my Proverbs a day how I should change. In my discipleship, I don't take time to make them accountable for their actions which results to mediocrity in both examples I have given.

I thought about it. I thought about how did I grow spiritually back then? How did I disciple well, if ever I did before. How did my disciples grow in their relationship with the Lord?

I thought about it and I got the answer while doing dgroup last Sunday. 

MY PRIVATE LIFE. How am I publicly will show how I am publicly. How I discipline myself when there is only me and God. I was reminded how I came to know the Lord Jesus Christ, how sinful I was and how I have hurt Him and how He loved me so much that He saved me.

This was reinforced in my dgroup last night as I disciple athletes. How you practice will determine how you will perform in the real game. 

And as I prepare for prayer time today, I read the article we were going through and it hit me so hard. If I am near the others before I am near to God, woe is me. 

Dear God, forgive me for my heart so wrong. How I thought of others before you. Forgive me and empower me through the Holy Spirit to know that You are holy and I ought to be holy as well by Your grace. Help me to get so intimate with you privately and not think of the public as much as I think of you. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

In His Pursuit,

Michelle Aquino